Rick Morrissey Says The Darndest Things

I like Carlos Zambrano a lot. He's one of my favorite Cubs of all time, and one of the greatest pitchers in the history of the franchise. I've written a lot about him lately, but I don't want to give readers the false impression that this blog is an unapologetic supporter of Big Z, no matter the situation. 

But holy shit, do the usual suspects in this town make it easy.

I’m here to defend the sorely misunderstood dugout skirmish and sing the praises of the cleansing clubhouse dust-up. I’m here to say that, yes, sometimes violence is the answer, as long as we’re not talking about dugout war criminal Carlos Zambrano.

First of all - "war criminal." Nicely done, not excessively hyperbolic in the slightest. But Rick, I'm afraid the rest is going to need some clarification. You say that a baseball season is a long, emotional ride and sometimes the tension between players just needs to be released. Except when Carlos Zambrano does it. Since you're a professional writer and all, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Please explain to me how Carlos Silva erupting on teammates during the fourth spring training game of the season is acceptable, yet Carlos Zambrano's eruptions, generally in June, are unacceptable?

I’ve excluded Zambrano because he’s his own category. He’s a serial smasher of Gatorade dispensers and a recidivist dugout exploder. He needs to stop that stuff.

I guess that makes sense?

Yeah, it would be super annoying if Big Z started smashing stuff between innings of every start, regardless of the situation. Except he doesn't do that. In fact, Zambrano's most famous "explosions" have been for the exact same reasons that you're espousing in this column.

I can understand why you would fail to mention that many people consider the Zambrano-Barrett fight the turning point of the initially dismal 2007 season that ended with a division championship. Or how after his skirmish with Derrek Lee in the dugout after poor defensive support in 2010, he was lights-out the remainder of the season. I mean, if someone were to point out that Z's most notable tirades (a) were inspired by poor team performance, and (b) had an overall positive impact on the team, which is exactly why you're defending the Silva-Ramirez skirmish in the first place, it would make this jab at Z even more inexplicable.

You're losing me Rick, but just because I like you I'll read your next sentence.

On the other hand, there’s a small voice in my head saying, “Yes, but didn’t he go 8-0 after his nasty altercation with Derrek Lee last year?’’

Oh...you did go ahead and mention it.

I have to hand it to Rick. It takes stones to blatantly not try this hard. How else can one explicitly contradict himself so many times within the same column and still have the balls to turn it in? I'll bet this is what his e-mail signature looks like:

Rick Fucking Morrissey.

Columnist, Sun-Fucking-Times

Bitches.

Just for kicks, here are some other ideas Rick Morrissey column ideas from the past few days:

"The King's Speech was riveting and certainly deserving of the Oscar for Best Picture. It was a welcome change from the tired, British historical dramas from years past."

 "To all those decrying the election of Rahm Emanuel as mayor because they think he is not a resident, let me remind you he was only gone for a few years serving the United States. You know who wasn't a resident? Gery Chico, who went fishing in the Boundary Waters from early April, 1986 to mid April, 1986."

"Someone needs to get Charlie Sheen's children out of that house. Kids should not be raised in that kind of circus environment. Unless, of course, it's fun as shit. If it is, then they can stay."

"You know what I love? Bacon. But you know what I can't stand? Bacon."

Carlos Zambrano Fails Again

In his recap of the Cubs 8-7 loss in Mesa, Paul Sullivan astutely points out that the fault lies with Carlos Zambrano. Z left after three innings of scoreless work and a 1-0 lead, but mentioned afterwards that his arm felt fatigued after the start.

There are two reasons why this loss is his fault. The first, of course, being that it is inexcusable for a starting pitcher to have a tired arm in the first week of spring training. In fact, it is unheard of. If Z is not in physical shape to throw complete game shutouts in early March, then he is of no help to this team. You know who is ready to throw complete game shutouts right now? Koyie Hill.

The second reason why this loss is on Z (and remember, this is clearly the most important story to be told from today's game) is because despite succeeding in not allowing any members of the opposing team to score, he himself failed to drive in any runs. Everyone knows that the Cubs are so bad on defense that a one-run lead is essentially worthless. If Z really cared about his team's chances of winning, he would have gone out there and knocked in a couple himself. Right Paul?

...okay, now I'm just confused.

You Know What, Let's Just Have Fun Out There

Per Paul Sullivan, after yesterday's loss dropped the team to ten games under .500:

The Cubs lost the BP Cup and Saturday's game, but the mood in the clubhouse was upbeat without Carlos Zambrano around.

Well as long as they're having fun, who cares? I mean, that's all you can really ask from a professional baseball organization.

After a great losing effort, Lou Piniella announces to the team 

they're all going out for ice cream.*

*Not pictured: the latin faction, now leaderless

Is Houston Mentally Prepared for Z?

When Hurricane Ike rolled through the Houston area in September of 2008, their series with the Cubs was moved to Milwaukee to avoid the natural disaster. In the first game of the series, Z tossed a no-hitter. It was an incredible performance that punctuated the unforgettable 2008 regular season for Cubs fans.

The Astros handled it gracefully, humbly recognizing that the hardships of traveling one extra series over a 162 game season was peanuts compared to the hardships of Houston residents who had no Miller Park to flee to.

One might think that a feat as significant as a no-hitter would be void from scrutiny. But the lack of mental preparedness from the Astros has placed an asterisk on Z's achievement. Even the Chicago sports media (impartial friend of Carlos Zambrano) agreed:

As if to underscore that fact, Zambrano threw a no-hitter upon returning from an 11-day layoff caused by a mysterious shoulder problem last September. Never mind that he shut down an exhausted Houston Astros team that was escaping Hurricane Ike and playing a supposed home game in Cubs-friendly Miller Park.

That was from Sun-Times columnist Carol Slezak, almost a year after the performance in question.

Flash forward a year and a half, and the Cubs and Astros are playing once again amidst catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, and once again facing Carlos Zambrano, this time in his highly anticipated return to the starting rotation.

Sure, the slick of 39 million gallons of oil (and counting) isn't anywhere near the Houston shoreline, but it is close enough where if Carlos Zambrano pitches well tomorrow night, we can safely assume it's on the Astros' minds.

We won't know exactly how much the oil spill is bothering them until we see how Zambrano does. So to save columnists everywhere some time, I've compiled a list of headlines for Saturday morning's sports pages, depending on his performance.

W, 9 IP/0 ER/0 H/8 K/3 BB:
Zambrano tosses second questionable no-no against distraught club
Failure of 'top kill' leaves Astros mentally unprepared

W, 8 IP/2 ER/4 H/5 K/3 BB:
Z feasts on easy target
Carlos thinks of himself while Houston thinks of the marshlands 
 
W, 7.2 IP./1 ER/4 H/10 K/2 BB:
Heavy minds equal heavy bats 
Zambrano K's ten troubled 'Stros

L, 7.2 IP./1 ER/3 H/10 K/2 BB:
Back to the pen?
Zambrano fails in return against Houston

ND, 5 IP/3 ER/6 H/6 K/4 BB
BP can't stop oil, Big Z can't stop losing streak
Cubs non-ace tosses a junk shot of a game

L, 3.2 IP/7 ER/8 H/2 K/2 BB
Houston, we still have a problem
Same old Zambrano can't even beat woeful Astros

May 28: Cardinals @ Cubs (Game 48)

As always, data from Fangraphs


I'm just going to go ahead and keep this one pretty short, because there's just not that much to say about this game. You can see on the graph it was pretty much over before the Cardinals made their first out.

Cubs' MVP: Carlos Zambrano
After Randy Wells and his infinite ERA were pulled six batters into the game, the Cubs' move of Carlos Zambrano to the bullpen was finally validated. Zambrano entered and immediately stopped the bleeding by pitching six innings and saving the bullpen from a potential disaster. Otherwise, the Cubs might have emptied their entire bullpen in a meaningless effort and jeopardized their status for the rest of the series. The long relief appearance also allowed Zambrano to stretch his arm out further and get him that much closer to rejoining the starting rotation. Wells' outing was disappointing, no doubt, but for once having a solid, durable starting pitcher with a fresh arm in the pen paid off for the Cubs.

*Cue the flash-sideways noise from LOST *

In the real world, Carlos Zambrano threw one fucking inning, and the Cubs used five different relievers to get the completely inconsequential 27 outs that were required before they could stop playing this baseball game. James Russell threw four scoreless innings of relief, allowing only three baserunners. I guess he's the MVP. (.086 WPA)

Cardinals' MVP: Chris Carpenter (.151 WPA; .176 pitching)
Carpenter woke up yesterday morning in his Chicago hotel room and already had a five run lead. He would go on to pitch 6.2 innings, striking out five and giving up just one run, a solo home run to Tyler Colvin.

Cubs' LVP: Randy Wells (-.400 WPA)
Six batters, six hits, five runs. See for yourself:


Cardinals' LVP: Kyle McClellan (-.084 WPA)
Whatever.

May 14: Pirates @ Cubs WPA Recap (Game 36)

Charts and data from Fangraphs

Cubs MVP: Alfonso Soriano (.133 WPA)
Soriano's two-out "double" in the first scored two runs and tied the game at 3. It would stand as the biggest hit of the game for the Cubs, worth .170 WPA.

Pirates MVP: Garrett Jones (.473 WPA)
Jones was a force at the plate today, compiling five hits and driving in five runs, including the go-ahead three run home run in the top of the eighth. Honorable mention has to go to Andrew McCutcheon, who reached base six times and hit a home run of his own. McCutcheon accumulated .371 WPA.

Cubs LVP: Carlos Zambrano (-.412 WPA)
This one's a no-brainer, as Zambrano surrendered the lead in the top of the 8th inning, giving up three runs on four hits.

Pirates LVP: Brian Burres (-.402 WPA)
Just over a week ago, Burres shut the Cubs out for seven innings in a winning effort in Pittsburgh. Today, he fared much worse, giving up five earned runs in four innings. The Cubs made solid contact throughout the day, including Marlon Byrd's solo home run in the fourth inning.

Biggest Hit of the Game
With two on and nobody out in the top of the eighth, Garrett Jones takes Big Z deep and gives the Pirates a late three run lead (.262 WPA).

Worst Out of the Game
After leading off the bottom of the sixth with a single, Mike Fontenot is picked off first base when fellow Cajun Ryan Theriot can't get a sac bunt down (-.084 WPA)

By looking at the graph above, it's easy to see that after a wild first inning, this was a game that was completely up for grabs until Zambrano's disastrous eighth. Gorzellany (-.216 WPA pitching) gave up three runs in the first, but when you're a starter you've got the opportunity to bounce back and try to redeem yourself. Bullpen pitchers don't have that luxury, and it's something Zambrano will probably learn pretty quickly when the newspapers call for his outright release tomorrow morning.

Updated Cubs WPA Game MVP Leaderboard: