Rick Morrissey Says The Darndest Things

I like Carlos Zambrano a lot. He's one of my favorite Cubs of all time, and one of the greatest pitchers in the history of the franchise. I've written a lot about him lately, but I don't want to give readers the false impression that this blog is an unapologetic supporter of Big Z, no matter the situation. 

But holy shit, do the usual suspects in this town make it easy.

I’m here to defend the sorely misunderstood dugout skirmish and sing the praises of the cleansing clubhouse dust-up. I’m here to say that, yes, sometimes violence is the answer, as long as we’re not talking about dugout war criminal Carlos Zambrano.

First of all - "war criminal." Nicely done, not excessively hyperbolic in the slightest. But Rick, I'm afraid the rest is going to need some clarification. You say that a baseball season is a long, emotional ride and sometimes the tension between players just needs to be released. Except when Carlos Zambrano does it. Since you're a professional writer and all, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. Please explain to me how Carlos Silva erupting on teammates during the fourth spring training game of the season is acceptable, yet Carlos Zambrano's eruptions, generally in June, are unacceptable?

I’ve excluded Zambrano because he’s his own category. He’s a serial smasher of Gatorade dispensers and a recidivist dugout exploder. He needs to stop that stuff.

I guess that makes sense?

Yeah, it would be super annoying if Big Z started smashing stuff between innings of every start, regardless of the situation. Except he doesn't do that. In fact, Zambrano's most famous "explosions" have been for the exact same reasons that you're espousing in this column.

I can understand why you would fail to mention that many people consider the Zambrano-Barrett fight the turning point of the initially dismal 2007 season that ended with a division championship. Or how after his skirmish with Derrek Lee in the dugout after poor defensive support in 2010, he was lights-out the remainder of the season. I mean, if someone were to point out that Z's most notable tirades (a) were inspired by poor team performance, and (b) had an overall positive impact on the team, which is exactly why you're defending the Silva-Ramirez skirmish in the first place, it would make this jab at Z even more inexplicable.

You're losing me Rick, but just because I like you I'll read your next sentence.

On the other hand, there’s a small voice in my head saying, “Yes, but didn’t he go 8-0 after his nasty altercation with Derrek Lee last year?’’

Oh...you did go ahead and mention it.

I have to hand it to Rick. It takes stones to blatantly not try this hard. How else can one explicitly contradict himself so many times within the same column and still have the balls to turn it in? I'll bet this is what his e-mail signature looks like:

Rick Fucking Morrissey.

Columnist, Sun-Fucking-Times

Bitches.

Just for kicks, here are some other ideas Rick Morrissey column ideas from the past few days:

"The King's Speech was riveting and certainly deserving of the Oscar for Best Picture. It was a welcome change from the tired, British historical dramas from years past."

 "To all those decrying the election of Rahm Emanuel as mayor because they think he is not a resident, let me remind you he was only gone for a few years serving the United States. You know who wasn't a resident? Gery Chico, who went fishing in the Boundary Waters from early April, 1986 to mid April, 1986."

"Someone needs to get Charlie Sheen's children out of that house. Kids should not be raised in that kind of circus environment. Unless, of course, it's fun as shit. If it is, then they can stay."

"You know what I love? Bacon. But you know what I can't stand? Bacon."

Dave Kaplan Jinxes Cubs out of the Albert Pujols Sweepstakes

There's still 4 weeks until Opening Day and it seems like a pretty large chunk of Cub fans I know are just about ready to quit on this season. It's not hard to see why, the Cubs are coming off a 75-win year, they're already fighting in the dugout, and management doesn't seem to have any real, tangible plans for improvement, other than just waiting out the Alfonso Soriano deal.

Stop me if I'm wrong, but the biggest short-term fantasy here on the North Side centers on the 2012 off-season and the spending spree the Cubs will be able to afford. They can shed nearly $52 million off their current payroll by declining options on Aramis Ramirez and Carlos Silva and letting Kosuke Fukudome and Carlos Pena walk. Throw in the fact that the biggest fish in the free agent pond in 2012 is a superstar who is the face of your archrival, and well, it's easy to see where this is going...

To that effect, enter Dave Kaplan, of the Chicago Tribune and Comcast Sports Net, who ended the Cubs' hopes of landing Albert Pujols about 240 days before he can even file for free agency by unveiling his blue-pinstriped #5 jersey on Chicago Tribune Live yesterday.

At least you all know who to go Bartman on when Pujols signs a long-term, below market value deal to stay in St. Louis for the rest of his career.

Carlos Zambrano Fails Again

In his recap of the Cubs 8-7 loss in Mesa, Paul Sullivan astutely points out that the fault lies with Carlos Zambrano. Z left after three innings of scoreless work and a 1-0 lead, but mentioned afterwards that his arm felt fatigued after the start.

There are two reasons why this loss is his fault. The first, of course, being that it is inexcusable for a starting pitcher to have a tired arm in the first week of spring training. In fact, it is unheard of. If Z is not in physical shape to throw complete game shutouts in early March, then he is of no help to this team. You know who is ready to throw complete game shutouts right now? Koyie Hill.

The second reason why this loss is on Z (and remember, this is clearly the most important story to be told from today's game) is because despite succeeding in not allowing any members of the opposing team to score, he himself failed to drive in any runs. Everyone knows that the Cubs are so bad on defense that a one-run lead is essentially worthless. If Z really cared about his team's chances of winning, he would have gone out there and knocked in a couple himself. Right Paul?

...okay, now I'm just confused.

Carlos Must Go

UPDATE: I forgot to give a h/t to Aisle 424 for bringing my attention to the Rosenbloom piece earlier this offseason, cause I sure as hell don't read Steve Rosenbloom on my own.

By now I'm sure anyone reading this is aware that a dugout scuffle between Carlos Silva and Aramis Ramirez had to be broken up after a disastrous first inning against Milwaukee today. After giving up several runs along with three defensive errors behind him, Silva apparently returned to the dugout angry and words were exchanged.

Carlos must be held accountable. This type of behavior is simply unnaceptable on a major league roster, and after all, Carlos has a reputation. After a few spring training games, we can clearly see that nothing has changed with the addition of Carlos. Time to cut ties.

Yes, Carlos Pena must go.

You'll recall from the offseason that Pena was signed solely to play the part of Jaime Escalante in the rowdy, out-of-control Cub clubhouse. Steve Rosenbloom heard from former Playgirl model Steve Stone (h/t to Another Cubs Blog) why the Cubs shelled out $10 million for Pena:

The Cubs signed Pena to provide a strong Latin presence in a clubhouse screaming for something more adult than Zambrano’s screaming. But it’s more than Zambrano. There’s Alfonso Soriano, who supposedly ruined Felix Pie by teaching him every bad party habit. There’s Aramis Ramirez, who refuses to dive for balls, and isn’t that a great example? There’s a history here that goes back to kicking out Mark Grace and turning over the clubhouse to Sammy Sosa, the ultimate team play -- no, wait, never mind.

The Cubs recognized how the latin faction had overridden the clubhouse and posed a threat to their up-and-coming latin youngsters, Starlin Castro and Geovany Soto. They were still salvageable from the latin stink of Zambrano and company and still had a chance to be successful. So the Cubs went out and bought the happiest, friendliest latin that money could buy to protect them and change the poisonous clubhouse atmosphere.

There's the dangerous and selfish Carlos Zambrano who needs anger management to function as a human being. There's Alfonso Soriano, who the Cubs feared would teach Castro and Soto how to party all night at seedy latin clubs (instead of learning how to party the right way from Randy Wells: body shots off of Trixies at Red Ivy). Of course there's Aramis Ramirez, involved in the altercation today, who sets a negative example for the kids by just flat out REFUSING to dive for balls on defense:

Señor Pena, I'm disappointed. You were supposed to change things. The latins are as rowdy as ever. What are we paying you for? Won't someone please think of prospects?

"How do I reach deez keeds?"