White Sox Win BP Crosstown Cup

Omar Vizquel and BP CEO Tony Hayward display their trophy at the team's championship parade just outside U.S. Cellular Field Sunday afternoon.

CHICAGO (AP) - The Chicago White Sox won the first annual BP Crosstown Cup this weekend, defeating the Chicago Cubs twice and winning the season series 4-2. The Cup, sponsored by British Petroleum, was awarded to the Sox after their clinching victory Saturday night. Afterwards, White Sox players were eager to pledge their support for BP.

"We really wanted to win this one for Tony (Hayward)," said White Sox designated hitter Omar Vizquel. "He said he wants his life back. Hopefully this will get him a little bit closer."

"I really hope British Petroleum paid a lot of money for this sponsorship," White Sox GM Kenny Williams added. "Like, a LOT of money. Better here than that little spill people keep talking about. I don't see what paying claims to some guy who used to catch shrimp has to do with baseball."

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen added, "F$#@! s&;^*, and ^$$@!, you know? %**^!"

After looking horrible the first two games at U.S. Cellular Field, the Cubs pulled off an impressive 8-6 victory on Sunday to save face. Fans of the team were relieved to hear from the team's manager that their incompetence over the weekend wasn't so much bad baseball as it was a political protest.

"Look, we wanted no part of that Cup, and I think we demonstrated that with our play on the field," said Cubs' skipper Lou Piniella. "We didn't actually try to win a game until we knew the White Sox had clinched it. Sure, we won at Wrigley when Lilly almost threw a no-hitter, but we didn't even get a damn hit until the seventh inning ourselves. Then Marmol tried like hell to blow it in the ninth. We pretty much won that game by accident."

Also of note, President Barack Obama made a phone call to the White Sox clubhouse Sunday morning before their finale with the Cubs to express how proud he is of his hometown team for winning The Cup. He also admitted the exciting crosstown series in his home town has made him reconsider his handling of BP's oil spill.

"Look, if there's one thing I've shown consistently throughout my presidency, it's that I like sports. They're like, ahh, super important to me. I mean, three days after I gave that speech from the Oval Office about how I wouldn't rest until the spill had been resolved, I was sitting in a sky box watching my White Sox. They never come to Washington, I just figured it would be okay.

"After I phoned the team, I talked to Tony Hayward and let him know he doesn't have to set aside any money in that silly escrow account we talked about. I know he's good for it. If he's got the White Sox' back, that's all I need."

White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf said after the game that he was so thrilled clutching a piece of hardware endorsed by British Petroleum that he hopes to expand sponsored rivalry trophies to other opponents.

"We're in talks right now with the Minnesota Twins and Phillip Morris to get a nice gold platter to give to whichever team wins more games that season. Kinda like what they do at Wimbledon, except it'll look more like an ashtray.

"We're also working on a Nike-sponsored 'Child Labor Night' at the ballpark where all the ushers and vendors are the kids of season ticket holders, and they'll work for no pay with no bathroom breaks. But we may have to wait another year for that one."

Cubs' owner Tom Ricketts was also asked what he thought of adding more sponsored rivalry trophies to his team's schedule.

"Who is this again? Sorry, I'm kind of a fucking moron," he said.